Question:

When we’re doing loving-kindness meditation and say, “May your suffering cease,” isn’t that wanting things to be other than they are? I thought we were supposed to accept the way things are.

Phillip Replies:

On the surface, it seems like a contradiction but it’s not. When we do loving-kindness “practice” (metta) we’re practicing letting loose of demanding that this moment be other than it is, but we are still in relationship to this moment.

Let’s say you have a friend who is hurting. Naturally you want your friend’s pain to go away. If you could, you would do something to help your friend, not because you reject the way things are, but because it is an appropriate response of the heart to how things are. You’re not making a demand that your friend’s life be anything other that it is, but rather responding to their pain from your heart.  Accepting how things are is one practice. Having a wholesome response to how things are is another practice, and the two go together.

In vipassana, our intention is to have insight about the cause of suffering and the end of suffering. For example you might have the insight, “These criticizing thoughts I’m having are causing suffering.” If you adopt the logic that you are to accept what is, then you might think, “I’m causing suffering and I’m supposed to accept what is. Therefore, I’ll just continue to cause suffering.” Instead, if you take the loving-kindness approach, you have the insight “This is suffering,” and then you respond in a way that puts an end to the suffering. You “accept” what is, and then do what is appropriate.